The Left

Fairy Tales

By David Glenn Cox This fairy tale begins with “Once upon a time.” All the best fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time.” It seems however, the practice has fallen out of favor, especially among broadcast news circles; which routinely tell stories far more fantastical than talking frogs, glass slippers or poisoned apples, without […]

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The Right

The Right: Why Immigration Matters

By Brian Lonergan Talk of immigration reform seems to be everywhere these days. There is a buzz in political circles that President Obama is considering a unilateral executive action that would delay prosecutions for millions of illegal immigrants, a de facto amnesty. Republicans in Congress seem to be flummoxed by the issue. The establishment camp […]

Short and To the Point…

  • How will we beat ISUS, NO BOOTS ON THE GROUND!!!!!!!??????

  • Advertisers tell the NFL "Don't alienate women" !!!!!

  • Football a violent sport, Does it follow that the players are violent!!!!!

  • Joan River's death under many investigations!!!!! Did Doctor commit malpractice????

  • United States will soon rocket astronauts into space on American rockets. No more dependence on Soviets

Pop/Boom Goes the Culture!

boomer humor

Melissa Rivers, still in mourning after losing her comedic genius mother, Joan Rivers, announced that she and her son, Cooper, performed a successful séance. Joan’s raspy voice eerily came out of Cooper’s mouth. Melissa announced, “Here’s my mom’s post-death material, straight outta Cooper’s mouth:”

“So I get to the Pearly Gates and who should greet me there but Cesar Romero and Liberace! Cesar takes one look at my surgically enhanced face and says to Liberace, ‘Damn, I thought I left my ‘Joker’ mask back on earth. Take it off, thief!’”

“I meet Jim Morrison and he says he and Doors’ keyboardist, Ray Manzarek, are doing a follow-up album to ‘L.A. Woman’ and, and Jim wants his fans to know one thing: “SEND ME UP SOME BOOZE AND BLOW, MAN—AND SEND BACK MAMA CASS!”

“Melissa! Stop crying and listen! I want you to keep making money off of me. I’d’ve done the same if you died before me. I have an idea for a fashion accessory you can sell on the Home Shopping Network: ‘Joan Rivers’ Hermes Birkin Body Bag.’ Like my own skin, it’s made of the finest leather. Then you say, ‘The body bag’s so nice, Mom would be caught dead in it.’”

“Yes, those news reports are true. A doctor arrived with my entourage and performed an unplanned biopsy on my throat! Let me tell ya–the only time there was a longer line of people watching a guy put something down a woman’s throat was at Linda Lovelace’s screen test. I went into a coma and would’ve lived if there wasn’t such a delay by that endoscopy clinic to get me to a hospital. The delay was caused by a bunch of doctors taking time to draw straws to see who’d give me mouth to mouth resuscitation. Oh, well. That’s life!”

“I’m so glad Broadway reversed their decision and dimmed their marquee lights for me! Before we made love, Edgar always dimmed the lights–to pitch black. Then after we were done, he would get to work. I give him all the credit in the world though. Do you know how hard it was for him to write his suicide note in the dark?”

“Now that I’m gone, I’m sure they’ll repeat that episode of ‘Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best’—the one where I broke down as I visited Johnny Carson’s grave at Johnny Carson Park in Burbank. They’ll then show me visiting Ed McMahon’s grave and I see his eternal flame’s fuel had run out–so I refilled it with more Chivas Regal.”

“So God pulls me to the side and says, “I got good news and bad news, Joan. The good news is in one year, you’re going to be reincarnated. The bad news is you’ll come back as Raylette Rice, the daughter of that hard-hitting ex-running back Ray Rice. You’ll be born in an elevator without any doctor’s assistance–but don’t worry. Ray will act as your doctor and do stuff doctor’s do when a kid is born. ‘Cause if there’s anyone who knows how to slap a young girl’s face in an elevator, it’s Ray.”

“Boy, what the heck is going on with the NFL? Is someone spiking all their Gatorade? Besides this Ray Rice nut case, ya got this running back for the Vikings, Adrian Peterson, who’s charged with whipping his son. When it comes to their players, you can say to the NFL what their players do: “Don’t that beat all!?” But these two abused victims don’t deserve my sympathy. Why? Because they stole my act! Before they were hit, both of ‘em said: “Wait. Can we talk…please?”

“I’m up here in heaven and who do I see but Robin Williams. I tell him, “Robin, you schmuck! The reason you’re up here is because you went to rehab to stop your drinking. The time you spent brooding would’ve been better spent drinking and forgetting about brooding. If you had tied one on, you wouldn’t have tied one around your neck.’ Robin laughs and says, “You’re right, Joan. I should’ve had a few belts instead of using one belt.”

“That’s all from me, Melissa and Cooper. Gotta go to the Pearly Gates and welcome Keith Richards…finally! Bye!”

After Howard Stern gave a moving eulogy to the celebrity mourners gathered at Temple Emanu-El on September 8th, six-time Tony award winner Audra McDonald performed a moving version of the Nat King Cole classic, “Smile.” A tearful Donald Trump then took the podium and thanked the mourners: “Yes, I remember all the good times. And I know how heartbroken you all are. I speak for you all when I say the sudden death of Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City has shattered me. Thanks for mourning with me today.”

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5 Steps to Hassle-Free Holidays

By Tammy Ruggles –Your college-age son loves your Thanksgiving turkey, but he’s brought four unexpected, hungry buddies with him, and you’re already over your food budget. What to do? –You love to see your cousin and her triplets, but she is light on the discipline and lets her three toddlers take over your house. They’ve knocked the fishbowl over, chased […]

Red Flags for Back Pain

  By Megan Litzau It is estimated that 90% of all adults will experience at least one episode of back pain in their lifetime. Most episodes of back pain resolve in 4-6 weeks without treatment and the specific cause of the pain is seldom able to be identified.  So how do you know when you need to be concerned about […]

The Art of Wine Tasting

By Tammy Ruggles Nolan has been invited to a wine tasting by his girlfriend Gina, but he is reluctant to accept her invitation because he doesn’t know the first thing about wine tasting, and doesn’t want to stand out like a sore thumb or admit that he really doesn’t know much about it. “Well,” she told him, “there is more […]

Vitamin D: The Realities and the Myths

By Azka Afzal A lot of attention is being given to vitamin D recently, as more doctors have started to routinely check vitamin D levels and more research is being done to figure out what its role is in health. So what exactly is its role in health? Well, I will summarize what is known now. Vitamin D is a […]