After 16 years, “Bob The Builder” is having a makeover with a new look and voice. Fans of the beloved children’s star have been upset by a makeover that leaves him younger, taller, slimmer and hipper. They were further upset by the first show, where Bob, in an attempt to bond with children (and today’s teenagers) builds a “Short Attention Span” bridge. Like Bob’s audience, Bob can only watch 20 seconds of the bridge before he becomes bored and watches something else. Bob then sobs when the bridge collapses under the weight of its lofty expectations. The show ended with “Bob the Builder’s” theme song; with its lyrics changed to reflect the audience’s short attention span; going from:
“Bob the Builder,
Can we fix it?
Bob the Builder,
Yes we can!”
“Bob! Fix? Yes!”
Francis Ford Coppola, in a desperate move to remain relevant, announced he is securing funds for “The Godfather – 2014.” But instead of dueling Mafia families whacking each other with guns, they’ve resorted to germ warfare. The film opens with the Godfather, Spito Corleone, sending a ‘Spitman,’ Johnny “Touchy” Ebola, to murder (through infection) two hard eggs named Sammy “Meaty” Salmonella and Joey “Burger Boy” Ecoli. A cackling Spito snarls to his two sons, “After ‘Touchy Ebola’ gets his hands on those two mugs, not even the fishes will want to sleep with ‘em.”
Paramount Pictures announced that Popeye the Sailor Man will also have a much needed makeover. A Paramount spokesman announced, “After Mr. Bluto is arrested for persistent assault and battery, bullying and sexual harassment against one Ms. Oyl, we’ll change Mr. Popeye by having him never smoke a pipe, eat something else besides spinach and settle arguments with fists. And, we’ll find out what drug is in his spinach that gives him super strength. A psychiatrist will also check out Popeye for Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome that he suffered while serving in the navy. An optometrist will then see if the reason he squints is because he very well might be blind. After all, if he had normal sight, he wouldn’t be pursuing the 35 lb. Olive Oyl.”
ABC has announced that in a special edition of “Magic’s Secrets Finally Revealed,” Mr. Johnson will finally come clean, “Yes, my big secret is I slept with Wilt Chamberlain after we beat the Celtics in the finals in 1983. Maybe this is how I got HIV.” In the next show, Magic Johnson reveals the secret behind how the team he co-owns, the L.A. Dodgers, disappears like a rabbit in a top hat every October–at playoff time.
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan will donate $25 million to the Centers for Disease Control Foundation in an effort to fight Ebola. When asked by reporters why didn’t he download this Ebola news on Facebook, Mr. Zuckerberg said, “I didn’t want my site to get a virus.” Bill Gates then announced he’ll “do more good than Mr. Zuckerberg'” by donating $50 million to Sierra Leone to fight the onslaught of lottery scams from entering America.
David Letterman’s longtime cue-card holder for 21 years, Tony Mendez, says he wound up cuing his own firing by getting aggressive with a colleague. At first, Mr. Mendez blamed Mr. Letterman for roughing up writer, Bill Scheft, saying that “all those years watching Dave fling cards out of that window had desensitized me towards violence.” Mr. Mendez then revealed, “What was written on one of the cards had been written on the wall for the last five years: ‘Time to retire, dude. Do us a favor and hang it up, Dave!’”
New York Knick forward, Amare Stoudemire, who announced that he has been taking baths in red wine at a spa to help his body rejuvenate, also announced that he will help rejuvenate the “Boone’s Farm” brand. Amare said, “After I’m done bathing, they’ll take the wine out of the tub and bottle it for a new Boone’s Farm flavor called, ‘Dingleberry Hill;’ featuring the finest harvest of berries ever harvested; creating a musty, fruity but full body bouquet…well, half-body bouquet.”
Richard Gere 64, and Bravo’s Top Chef host Padma Lakshmi, 44, have ended their romance. Mr. Gere announced that the end of their relationship was unceremoniously announced by Ms. Lakshmi over one of her specially prepared dinners. Mr. Gere cried, “I didn’t mind her saying we’re done and my goose is cooked. What I minded was when she gave me my well-done gerbil on a platter then said, ‘Now that’s cooked too! Goodbye, sucker!’”
The Make-A-Wish Foundation has found their in-boxes not filled with wishes from terminally ill patients but with wishes from 300 million terminally bored people who have lost their patience. More specially, the wishes are from irate ITunes owners who wish they never received U-2’s terminally boring album.