The most one-sided rivalry in sports history has come to an end. The Harlem Globetrotters have ditched the Washington Generals, severing a partnership that lasted 63 years. When asked what team will now play the Globetrotters, Sweet Lou Dunbar, one of the Globetrotters’ coaches said, “We’re searching high and low for ten, dorky white guys who are perennial losers. The ten Republican Presidential candidates who did that dumb Fox TV debate are the front runners.”
Nearly a century later, according to genealogists, new genetic tests confirm for the first time that Nan. Britton’s daughter, Elizabeth Ann Blaesing, was indeed the biological child of America’s 29th president Warren Harding. Dr. Peter Harding, a grandnephew noted, “I had my suspicions that Elizabeth had an affair with Warren. I remember when he was running for President, Liz dressed in a slinky white gown for a birthday party for Warren held at a garden in New York and breathily sang ‘Happy Birthday–Mr. President.’ She then told my mom, ‘I thought Warren was horny but his brothers, Bobby and Teddy Harding, were waaaaaay worse.’”
Another day, another life changed thanks to ubiquitous 3D printing. This time, makers made Faith Lennox, a 7 year old girl from Lakewood, CA a pink and purple arm that lets her grasp objects when she flexes. In gratitude, Faith sat on a 3-D Xerox machine and donated her butt to Taylor Swift.
Thanks to New York Jet quarterback Geno Smith getting his jaw broken by an ex-teammate, I.K. Enemkpali, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that the NFL rules committee has made a new infraction called “severely roughing up the passer.” “Like what the Jets did to I.K. Enemkpali, all players who severely rough up a passer will not be penalized in yards, but will penalize the player in miles…as in traded to Buffalo. If the threat of living in that ‘city’ doesn’t stop this nonsense, nothing will.”
Tokyo police have said a Japanese man seeking revenge on his two-timing wife is accused of cutting her lover’s penis off with garden shears then flushing it down the toilet. After this uniquely unnecessary circumcision was completed, Godzilla rose from the Tokyo toilet and roared, “What a dick!”
“Route 29 Batman,” the quirky 51-year-old who’d visit sick children in the hospital donning his Batman gear, has died in a car accident. Batman, whose real name is Lenny B. Robinson, was struck by a vehicle near Hagerstown, Maryland. His last words were: “You do understand I’m breaking the law, Commissioner Gordon, by talking on my Batphone while standing on a highway where…Uh oh.” When a highway patrolman saw that he wasn’t the real Batman, he handed Mr. Robinson a ticket for DWI—Driving While Imitating.
You are not a celebrity if Taylor Swift hasn’t brought you on stage. This time around, it was legendary singer-songwriter Joan Baez and Academy Award winner Julia Roberts who joined Swift during her performance of “Style” at her concert in Santa Clara, California. Usually, fans become livid when a singer lip synchs on stage. This time, Taylor Swift became livid when she read the lips of the fans after they mouthed: “Who the hell is that real old lady on stage with Taylor? Joan ‘Biased?’”
Actress Melissa McCarthy is now a fashion designer as her clothing line Melissa McCarthy Seven 7 is launching at major retailers. However, she has a beef with the label “plus size.” She noted, “Seventy percent of women in the United States are a size 14 or above, and that’s technically ‘plus-size,’ so you’re taking your biggest category of people and telling them, ‘You’re not really worthy.’” Clothes designer Tommy Hilfiger replied, “All the ‘Pluses’ wish they were ‘non-Plussed.’ After all, ‘Plus’ got its name from these kind of women when: Liquor Plus no lights on Plus cocaine = Only Time They Get Laid.”
Rosie O’Donnell revealed new details about her adopted daughter, Chelsea, who had been missing for a week since leaving the family’s home north of New York City. After she was found safe and sound in New Jersey with a convicted drug dealer (!?), an embarrassed and private Rosie said, “We tried to keep this family matter under the rug—unfortunately, my wife was munching on one.” When asked if she would change her parenting style, Rosie replied, “Yes. From now on, I’ll learn to adopt better—at least better than this crackpot of a kid I adopted.
The NYPD has shot down an ex-Playboy Playmate’s application for a gun permit, citing her numerous domestic incidents “as both a complainant and a perpetrator. Stephanie Adams, Playboy’s Miss November in 1992, was undeterred saying, “If I can’t get a gun from the cops, then I’ll be a cop in my new TV show set in New York called ‘Car 54-24-44.’ I’ll be Fred Gwynne Jr.’s sidekick—named Titty Muldoon.”