Urban Outfitters, which markets and makes hipster clothing, released what might be its most tasteless creation yet: a Kent State University sweatshirt adorned with what appears to be blood stains. As “some” non-baby boomers may not know, Kent State was home to the 1970 massacre in which four students were killed by National Guard soldiers. Urban Outfitters said they will pull the clothes from circulation, as well as the marketing song they commissioned Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young to sell this latest Kent State tragedy: “Four Sale In Ohio…and Indiana…Wisconsin…Utah…U-get the idea.” An Urban Outfitters’ spokesman then glumly noted, “Well—I guess this puts a damper on our ‘Massacre Line of Clothing,’ which included ‘Lieutenant William Calley Khakis;’ which are hotter than napalm. And our ‘Charles Manson Mittens,’ guaranteed not to leave one finger print behind.”
Disgraced footballer Ray Rice and Beyonce’s sister, Solange, who had her own punch-fest in an elevator with Jay Z, have announced that both pseudo-boxers will star in a new reality show set in an elevator. The show is called, “(Elevator) Survivor.” To get them in the fighting mood, the elevator’s ceiling speaker will play non-stop Bread’s “Baby I’m-a Want You.” Whoever knocks out the elevator’s speaker and violently stops the “music” is declared the winner. The loser suffers and stays in the elevator until TMZ announces it has secured the rights to the fighting film.
Yusuf Islam, commonly known by his former stage name Cat Stevens, is going on a six city American tour; his first since 1976. When asked in a press conference how he was spending his time, the convert to Muslim replied, “I recently did a film score for A.I.P. (Arabian International Pictures). My music will be used on a teen flick called, ‘Beach Blanket Burka,’ starring Farouk Avalon and Ahmed Funnicellah. I also like to announce that I am being followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow–which are the names the CIA gave to their three operatives to shadow me.”
Sharon Osborne, wife of Ozzy, isn’t a big fan of U-2. In a recent tweet, she chided the group with: “you are just a bunch of middle age political groupies.” An irate Bono denied they are “political pop stars” and said, “With Barack Obama’s assistance, the band will form a partisan action committee and will vote on our response to Sharon’s latest filibuster.” Sharon replied, “Bono thinks a green card in America is what the Immigration Department uses to identify Irish rock stars.”
Scientists have named a long-dead creature that lived in the swamps of Africa 19 million years ago after. Scientists noted the extinct animal was the size of a small deer and had super-huge lips like Mick. On hearing the news, an irate Carly Simon, who supposedly wrote “You’re So Vain” about Mick, noted, “My lips are just as big as Mick’s. And I’m a bigger fossil. This just reaffirms what everyone knows: All paleontologists are sexist!” The scientists agreed and named a recent find after her: “Old-Crow-Magnon Man.”
NBA star and up until now, hidden idiot Paul George got the message! After tweeting that Ray Rice should be allowed to continue his NFL career and suggesting he was merely responding to being attacked, George backtracked and replaced his deleted comments with an apology to women. He noted, “I meant to Tweet if Ray was like a real NBA rebounding star, he’d be great at hitting the boards. I apologize for Tweeting: ‘Ray proved he’s like a real NBA rebounding star, ‘cause he’s great at hitting the broads.”
Two crime-fighting characters in Times Square have landed in the spotlight, and it’s not for saving lives. The NYPD said two men, one dressed as Batman and another dressed as Spider-Man, were arrested after a brawl with another man at the Crossroads of the World. Luckily, a REAL super hero called, “Want Ad Man” stopped the two not-so-super heroes’ slugfest by unleashing a torrent of want-ads at the two unemployed men. The sight of seeing legitimate work drove the frightened men back to their New Jersey home that they shared with 33 other “super-heroes.”
Ben Affleck has opened up about his card counting scandal, insisting he has nothing to be ashamed of. Bosses at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas asked the “Argo” star to leave their resort after they saw him counting cards at a blackjack table. When asked how did they know Ben was counting, a Hard Rock spokesman said, “Before he asked a blackjack dealer to hit him, we knew he was counting card because he’d always ‘clop.’” When asked if he meant to say “clap,” the spokesman replied, “No. Clop. Like Alfred Hitchcock said: Actors are cattle. Ben would clop on the floor the number on the card that the dealer dealt.”