Not many think that Ben Affleck will do justice as the new Dark Knight in Warner Bros. upcoming “Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice” movie. But Henry Cavill, who plays Superman says, “I’m sure he’ll be fantastic above all else.” Ben’s wife, Jennifer Garner, agreed then said that “Afer all, my cheating ex was born to play a Batman villian–Two-Face.”
Rapper Sir Mix-a-lot won a court battle against singer Niki Minaj over the rights to his risque, rear-end praising song “Baby Got Back” as well as the phallic-themed “Anaconda.” A grateful Mix-A-Lot stood in the Seattle courthouse and thanked his pubic defender.
Gwenda Blair, author of “The Trumps: Three Generations That Built An Empire,” claims that Donald Trump’s grandfather, Frederich, ran a Canadian brothel during the gold rush. Ms. Blair said, “Like his grandson does to his property, Frederich too, placed giant signs that advertised his brand: HUMP.”
Johanan Vigoda, Stevie Wonder’s dead attorney and right-hand man for decades, duped him into signing a contract he never felt, or , huh, saw… a contract that makes Mr. Wonder pay the lawyer’s family forever…so claims Stevie. Mrs. Vigoda scoffed, “On the day Stevie signed his contract, my husband sang, ‘Signed, Sealed, Delivered…he’s mine! Besides, it’s stupid Stevie’s fault he didn’t read the contract’s fine braille.”
Ahead of Pope Francis’ visit to the USA, an elaborate replica of the Vatican is on display at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia — and it’s made entirely out of Legos. It took Rev. Bob Simon 10 months to construct the mini St. Peter’s Square. When asked what inspired him to have such a Lego addiction, Rev. Simon said, “Every time I went into a Catholic church, I always heard an altar boy’s voice say, ‘Hey Father! Leggo of my leg…and my other leg…Leggo of me!”
Pam Anderson totally stripped down for Flaunt magazine. The 48 year old “Baywatch alum” then proclaimed that she going back to acting because, “As you can see from the pictures, I’m now a full-fledged member of SAG.”
Authorities in India’s most populous state, Uttar Pradesh, say they have been overwhelmed after receiving 2.3 million applications for 368 low-level, clerical government jobs. A spokesman explained, “Unfortunately, the rest of the 2,262,662 low level, clerical jobs have been outsourced to America—where, because of their thick American accents, we can’t understand a word these ‘workers’ say whenever we ask them for help.”
Superstar Kid Rock was on the hot seat for less than five minutes before a judge agreed to boot him from jury duty in a Michigan murder trial. When asked why he was readily dismissed, Judge Martha Anderson declared, “No man who murdered rap and rock should decide a murder rap.”
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has given the leader of his state’s National Guard, Air Force Brig. Gen. Michael Cunniff, who failed his last fitness test in Nov. 2013, 90 days to slim down. Mr. Christie said he’d help his friend by “entering him in my annual “Run Across the Closed George Washington Bridge Race.”
VERY sad news. New York Yankee great Yogi Berra passed away at the age of 90. Donald Trump noted his passing by saying, “Yogi was my inspiration; for it was he who said, ‘It ain’t comb overed, until it’s combed over.’”
In a new poll by NBC News, sales by the Latino community of Donald Trump related merchandise has increased 850% since July; with 96% of Latinos said the only reason for them buying and wearing the merchandise was “To not get deported.” The ones that still got deported realized too late that they shouldn’t have worn “Donald Trump for President” underwear.
If you are thinking about having sex anytime soon in Kazakhstan, you are advised that you may be taxed — if a sex tax proposal doesn’t gets the okay. According to RT.com, the leader of a Muslim group in Kazakhstan has listed a series of possible sex taxes. This caused a sexual revolutionary war to erupt; accompanied by the slogan: “No taxation without masturbation!”
Two Iowa State University students hugged each other for 31 hours in an attempt to break the existing Guinness World Record for the longest hug ever recorded. The attempt was marred by intermittent drunken cries of, “I love you, man.” “No, I really love you.” “No, I love you even more really than you love me…man.”
Super Pope! Pope Francis has announced that he is releasing a prog-rock album called “Wake Up!” The popster Pope said, “The music is a gift from God. The album’s title is what Bill Cosby has been known to say. And what John Lennon once said of his music, I now say of mine: ‘It’s bigger than Jesus Christ!’”