Stevie Wonder’s daughter, Aisha, who can be heard crying as an infant in Mr. Wonder’s 1976 hit song “Isn’t She Lovely?,” is suing her father for “extensive child abuse and severe mental anguish.” The lawsuit reveals that “Mr. Wonder knowingly and maliciously recorded an alternate version of ‘Isn’t She Lovely?’ to discipline said plaintiff. Whenever Aisa misbehaved, Mr. Wonder would play and/or sing what he labeled ‘my little disciplinary ditty called, ‘Isn’t She Crazy?’ This song featured the following mocking lyrics:
Isn’t she crazy?
‘Cause I’m rich,
Aisha’s so lazy,
Bitch acts so haughty,
Like Berry Gordy.
Who can believe,
This brat from hell,
Acts like her,
Crap don’t smell,
I’ve had my fill,
Time to write her,
Out my will.
Taylor Swift has come through on a pledge made last fall to donate proceeds from her popular song “Welcome to New York” to the city’s public schools. Swift, 25, made a $50,000 donation to the New York City Department of Education. Of this, $49,999 will be used to fund a short educational film called “The Little Rascals Rebooted—School Daze.” Ms. Swift will play the sexy teacher Miss Crabtree who teaches a fourth grade New York City class. One of her students, the temperamental Kanyebuck Wheatwest, keeps flunking every spelling test. The irate student insists that the correct spelling of “with you” is “wit u.” Kanyebuck is then accused of stealing songs from the class crooner, Alfalfa, and calling them his own. Miss Swift/Crabtree calms down the frustrated Kanyebuck by saying, “You’re going to grow up to be a big success, Kanyebuck. You can’t spell and you steal songs means you’ll be a very successful rapper when you grow up. Now get your hands off of Darla’s rumpus! You know she’s Stymie’s girl!”
The world knows him as “Jihadi John,” the masked man with a British accent who has beheaded several hostages held by the Islamic State and who taunts audiences in videos circulated widely online has been identified. However, tired of the group’s back stabbing and bickering, John announced that he has left the group because “me mates couldn’t stand that I had fallen in love with Boko Haram from Nigeria and was spending way more time with Boko than them—and loving it. In the middle of a night, in the middle of a bath, in the middle of a shave, in the middle of a dream and in the middle of a cloud I call my love’s name. Oh! Boko! My love will turn you on!”
Khloé Kardashian was driving Kim, North West and Kylie Jenner down a Bozeman, Montana road when snow blocked part of Khloé’s view, which resulted in her car spinning and landing in a ditch. Kim admitted that the accident occurred because Khloé got confused with their conversation: “I asked Khloe what does she look for in a man, then I looked out the windshield and screamed, ‘Look out! White out condition!’ Khloe looked at me instead of the road and answered, ‘You’re right, Kim. When I’m looking out for a guy to date, I always say ‘my permanent condition is, ‘White? Out!! And—uh-oh!!’’’ Kylie then added, “Thank God all our selfies escaped with no injuries.”
Even European publishers are finding long-lost works from famous and long dead authors! More specifically, the publishing wing of Bertelsmann based in Berlin has announced that a long lost manuscript for children by Adolf Hitler has been found. The novel, written for the “Hitler Youth” (his version of the Boy Scouts) is called, “Mein Kampf Fire Stories.” The novel consists of “scary ghost stories to be read out loud by a huge camp fire called (and caused by) the Hindenburg blimp.”
Meanwhile, a publisher in Amsterdam has announced that they have miraculously found “a lost diary chapter” by Anne Frank called, “The Last Shower.” Its opening reads: “There I was. Alone in the shower room. I was about to turn on the hot then the cold water; only for my senses to be overwhelmed by a foreign yet familiar smell. The deadly stench made me pray for fresh air to enter my lungs and caused tears to leave my eyes. Just as I was about to faint, I heard my sister, Margot, knock on the bathroom door and bark, “Shtop with the schmelly farting in there and take your shower so the rest of the Frank family can! Such a silent-but-deadly diarist you are!”
The “Krispy Kreme” chain store apologized after a store in Great Britain advertised a promotion for customers called “KKK Wednesday.” The manager, Huge Grant, sputtered, “The KKK was intended to stand for ‘Krispy Kreme Klub.’ We corrected ourselves and made KKK stand for ‘Kim & Khloe Kardashian Donut Day’ only to discover that these white sugary donuts had a tendency to only attach themselves to dark chocolate donuts, are very rich for no reason—and very hard to digest.”