Adventures in Job Hunting

Filed under: The Left

theleft

By David Glenn Cox

Unless you have been hiding in a nuclear bunker or sailing your yacht in the Mediterranean, you already know the US job market is dismal. Millions of unemployed and underemployed Americans of all ages, struggle seeking work in this new job environment. Because it’s not just the quantity of jobs available that’s changed, it’s the very nature of employment itself. Even the jargon and vernacular of employment has changed.

Take for instance, “Entry-Level” time was, entry-level might mean a fresh-faced young person. An entry-level job meant answering the phone, shipping and receiving or miscellaneous tasks. They were “entering” the company, learning its functions with the aim of becoming a vital part of it. Entry-level implied movement; you came in here and come out somewhere else. I knew a man who landed a job at seventeen, sweeping up metal shavings on a factory floor. Thirty-five years later, he retired as the companies Vice President and executive sales manager.

In today’s Orwellian job market; “Entry-Level” means whatever the employer wants it to mean. Entry-level Neurogeneticist needed! Obviously, if you’ve earned a Master’s Degree or a PhD, you can’t conceivably be considered for an “Entry-Level” position and that’s just the point. What once meant, any warm body willing to learn and do the job, has become the first hurdle for the over-qualified. The employer doesn’t care that your unemployment ran out two weeks ago or that you’re looking eyeball to eyeball at destitution. “A PhD. in the shipping department? I don’t know.”

Entrepreneurial = A Ralph Cramden scheme where you don’t get paid or you get paid commission only, when the product takes off. We’ve developed a great new app for your smart phone and we’re looking for marketing reps with an entrepreneurial spirit! So if you earn $ 5.00 per sale, you’d need 60 sales to earn $300. Hypothetically, if you placed an Internet Ad with a 1% conversation rate you would need 600 views for each sale. But to place that ad on the Internet would cost you more than $300 whether the app sells or not. So the companies “entrepreneurial” strategy is to hire 10 or 20 thousand sales reps each making one or two sales.

Equity = again, you don’t get paid or you get paid in Monopoly money. We’re a well-funded start-up. You now own 10,000 shares of Fingerupmynose.com and if we all work very, very hard, we could be as big as the Huffington Post someday. Mark Twain called it, “getting drunk on the smell of somebody else’s cork.”

A job application is now a “Career Opportunity Packet.” Page one: Applicant/Employee Disclosure and Authorization under the Fair Credit Reporting Act. Now understand this isn’t just a nosey intrusion into your private life, Nah.

“An investigative consumer report is a special type of consumer report that is obtained through interviews and may contain information about my character, general reputation, personal characteristics, and/or mode of living.”

Don’t forget to include your driver’s license number, as your driving record is also pertinent to your role as a convenience store clerk.

* Note: This information is requested for the sole purpose of identity verification.

So if I have bad credit or a bankruptcy on my credit report, I can still be hired?

So if I filed noise complaints against a neighbor with 27 dogs, I can still be hired?

So if I was arrested for public intoxication at Spring Break 03, I can still be hired?

So if I got arrested while living with the Occupy Movement, I can still be hired?

No, of course you can’t, don’t be silly. They’re looking for generic individuals, someone who wears the polyester with pride. They’re looking for individuals with good credit and a spotless record, with no history of protest of any kind.

The Department of Redundancy Department requests under Miscellaneous:

Have you ever been convicted of a crime?

If so, when, where, and what was the nature of the offense?

As if – they won’t hire anyone without a credit report or a driver’s license, but we’re expected to believe they’d hire someone with a criminal record?

I ran into a new hiring wrinkle the other day; send us a Video Resume` so we can judge your “energy.” Let’s see, can I go to school and get energy? Can I go to the store to buy a charger and plug myself into the wall? They want to see your energy, because your energy will give them information they can’t legally ask for. You’re energy might say you’re black or your energy might say you’re over fifty or over-weight. Tricky stuff that energy, can’t live with it and you can’t live without it.

Please explain any gaps in your employment:

Well, after my conviction for armed robbery, I was out of the job market for about ten years. I later became involved in a printing business, after my subsequent conviction for felony forgery; I was out of the job market again for several more years. What? Are they kidding

The correct answer is: On September 16, 2008, a massive failure of financial institutions occurred in the United States, due primarily to exposure of securities in packaged subprime loans and credit default swaps issued to insure these loans and their issuers, this quickly escalated into a global financial crisis resulting in a number of bank failures in Europe and sharp reductions in the value of stock equities and commodities worldwide. In the US 15 banks failed in 2008, while several others were rescued through government intervention or acquisitions by other banks. On October 11, 2008, the head of the International Monetary Fund warned that the world financial system was teetering on the “brink of systemic meltdown.”

References (Do not list former supervisors or relatives)

Acquaintances and friends only and don’t forget to list their occupations, as well as their complete mailing address and phone numbers, because your friends are important in determining your social standing and basic employability.

Mr. Jim Smith – Vice President, First National Bank

Mr. Jim Smith – Vice President, Devil’s Puppets Motorcycle Club

They already know what your friends will say about you, “Boy howdy, when it comes to being a neurogeneticist or filling up a Slurpee cup, he’s the best! You give him $20 for gas on pump three and just watch him go!” They don’t want to know what lies your friends will tell, they wish to judge the caliber of your liars.

READ CAREFULLY BEFORE SIGNING:

I hereby authorize Rip-Off Mart LLC (DBA, UB Screwed in Tennessee) to conduct any investigation it deems proper regarding my background, information provided, and the information furnished in my employment application, including, but not limited to, making inquiries of my previous employer(s), and information obtained from consumer reports. I hereby unconditionally release and hold harmless Rip-Off Mart LLC (DBA, UB Screwed in Tennessee) and any named or unnamed informants from any and all liability resulting from furnishing this information.

What’s next…rectal exams? Or maybe that’s why so many convenience stores get robbed; it’s easier than getting hired.

 

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